I’ve been talking to my therapist Stephanie about it for a couple weeks now and one thing we’ve been discussing is what does it mean to feel “not good enough”. What I’ve learned is that feeling is all mental so what we’ve done is an exercise where I visualize an event where I didn’t feel good enough and tell myself I am at different intervals. So far, I’m seeing that I am actually good enough for anything and to stop beating myself up over the feeling.
These are usually the events I go to during our exercise:
Not really having a positive relationship to draw from hindered me from knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. My rule of thumb for relationships was what I saw on tv and movies. Confession time: I’m not the best girlfriend in the world. I don’t like talking about it a lot but my relationship with Robert isn’t “perfect” even though that’s what I aim for, much to my own detriment. One of my issues is with communication. I’m the best communicator all the time so there’s plenty of occasions where I’ve fucked something up by not being completely authentic or truthful. A “problem” I have is catastrophizing conflicts and escalating them when the conflict isn’t that serious at all. I wasn’t being understanding, sympathetic, or empathetic and that makes things worse.
Even though it was later in life, it was important for me to learn that conflict is healthy and if there isn’t any conflict in the relationship, someone is lying. I’d grown up thinking conflict was bad because of my parents and tried to avoid it as much as possible at all costs. Avoiding issues makes them fester and become larger issues that become harder to resolve. Last year was definitely the hardest year for us because it felt like there was a non-stop beef no matter how “good” the relationship felt. During that time, that’s when I felt like I slipped into a slight depression because I was struggling and didn’t know how to lift the dark cloud of whether or not I was good enough/what he wanted.
I know I want to portray the image of Robert and I as #goals but we aren’t. I don’t remember who it was but someone referred to us as such and it made me cringe because deep down I knew we weren’t (and aren’t). Relationships take work and this is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. At times, it does feel like it’s easy but shit happens.
We all know looking for a job sucks. It’s such a task because we’re stuck playing the waiting game until someone calls us back. I graduated from school in August but made up my mind to put more effort in around October and apply for at least 1 job a day. Playing the waiting game really messes with you because of the confidence. This is when I question everything: is my resume good, did I get enough experience over the years, the right credentials? Robert and I had a conversation a couple months ago where I was voicing some frustrations and he said if I wanted to accomplish the goal of getting a new job, I have to put in the work and make it happen.
My biggest mistake is not starting the search sooner. I put myself way behind by beginning after I graduated instead of before. Why? Fear of change. I’ve been at my current job for 5 years and I got comfy. There is one instance where I burst into tears in a phone convo with Robert over travel plans because, although I wanted to leave my job, I didn’t want to drop the travel plans. I think keeping those plans was a justification for me to use so I didn’t have to seriously look (looking back it wouldn’t matter since nothing was final). Comfort brings complacency and a mundane life that I know deep down I don’t want.
I do feel like my next job is going to happen soon. Complaining, pouting, and being frustrated were my go-tos for so long because it wasn’t happening as fast for me as it was for others. I think making myself apply to jobs on a daily basis keeps me accountable while actively going towards my goal of my next job.
I’ve squandered a lot of friendships over the years; a couple I regret, some not so much. When we’re adults it can feel like we have to put actual work and effort in to grow and maintain friendships we make along the way. Last week, I told my therapist one thing I’ve done in the past that I try not to do now is rush it. I’ve rushed trying to make a friendship happen that it doesn’t work out. I’ll be all in from the jump without giving it time to grow organically and slowly. Because I’ve been “thirsty”(as my therapist says) for human relationships, I get too excited and over function where the interactions become one-sided.
Another issue is taking those relationships from the internet to a text thread. It’s easy for me to converse with people online on social media but taking those to a text thread is something new for me. I met a blogger that works at the same USF campus I do and I asked her to lunch with no hesitation(even I was shocked I did that). Something like that probably wouldn’t happen a couple years ago because I would’ve thought myself out of it by saying it would be useless, weird, and the other person doesn’t care.
Lately, I’ve been telling myself that I am good enough when those feelings arise so I don’t go down a rabbit hole of emotions. Because I wanted to be perceived as “normal” and “enough”, I struggled with knowing that I am and nothing is wrong with me.
When are times you haven’t felt “good enough”? How do you tackle those emotions?