Confession: I’m not as confident as I seem online. I have my days where I think I’m not good enough and all my stuff sucks. It’s a journey but I’m slowly learning how much value I possess.

On the days where I’m feeling “less-than” about my self-worth and value , I understand it’s all cognitive distortions and not real. One thing I’ve learned in my therapy sessions is whenever a negative thought enters my head, the best thing to do is to just feel it and let it do it’s thing. Once that rollercoaster ride is over, it’s easier to move on because I know the thought isn’t true at all. Per usual, I made it difficult for myself but, after talking about it a few times with Robert, I’ve realized I can show my self-worth and value in a few ways.

Skillset

I had to get to a point where I was comfy talking about the skills I have from video production to writing stories. I wasn’t confident enough in myself to know I can actually do those things and I’m good at them. The real test was in grad school when I decided to do a 30-min documentary for my final project. I was nervous because I hadn’t ever done a video on that scale alone ever and wasn’t sure how if I could. The moment I realized I knew what I was doing, it wasn’t hard at all. I’m a bit of a jack-of-all-trades basically.

I’m growing more confident in my skills and I do realize I am a “creative”. Creating 2 entire food documentaries solidified that for me. A lot of work goes into making a 30-minute video but being in charge of it all and not having to outsource help (besides music) validated the fact I knew what I was doing.

Feeling My Teenage Self

I didn’t realize until recently I still carried around feelings from high school crushes that didn’t reciprocated the love. As a teenager (and part of my adult years), I thought I could get the attention of the opposite sex if I rebelled against the idea of actually putting effort into my looks. I was 15 the first time I ever told a crush I liked him. I wore a cute outfit and found the confidence to tell my crush how I felt. I remember feeling like like I wouldn’t ever get the reciprocated feelings I craved because he didn’t feel the same way I did. Y’all remember how we wrote corny poetry about folks we liked? Yea I did too but I couldn’t bring myself to read them because it felt too real. Just reading the first lines, I reverted back to teenage Alex in a heartbeat and I didn’t want to confront those feelings AT ALL.

Carrying around those feelings as an adult is equal parts scary and eye-opening. Robert told me those feelings impacted how I maneuvered romantic relationships. Teenage me felt like if I just rebelled and showed how “different” I was from the other girls, I could get the attention I wanted…backwards, right? My self-worth wasn’t the highest because I didn’t feel it necessary to put much effort into my looks, whether it was for outside attention or not. It affected the way I felt about myself for a long time; I didn’t think I was the most attractive or worthy enough of someone else’s love.

I’m playing a bit of catchup with a lot of things when it comes to putting effort into pampering and making myself feel good. I thought I needed to have a reason to. I feel so much better when I get my nails or hair done. I feel like I can conquer anything because my self-worth and confidence is at an all-time high.

Moving to a New House

When it came to the house-buying process, I wasn’t involved at all. Robert did everything from the beginning with barely any assistance from me. He’s up all day everyday looking at furniture and whatever else can go in our house while I agree with all the choices. We talked about my interest level and I learned there are ways I can insert myself into the process. I don’t have to look up items but I can be around for delivery or find inspiration in other ways. One thing I’m interested in for the house is organization. We’ll have a bigger pantry and linen closets so that’s where I come in. It’s a small task but still as important. Pinterest is super helpful when I needed some idea inspo too. I look forward to the day when I can go to Target or HomeGoods and buy up all their baskets and bins. Personally, I’m not the most organized with my own things but I’ve found it relaxing and soothing knowing I can go to these areas and everything is in their right place.

Do you struggle with figuring out your value and self-worth? How did you acknowledge and deal with it?